Queefing Caviar

The news anchor is a comedian
who delivers grim stand-up with a straight face.
Some reel back in terror.
Some are numb.
Some laugh through the horror;
This makes them poor victims.


To tell a bad joke
with a straight face,
one must master seriousness.

To live in a bad joke
with a straight face
one must master humor.

The Discordian wears many masks.

Lukoil by Serhiy Zhadan

LUKOIL

When Easter arrives and the sky becomes kinder

but everyone becomes more intense, saying, Easter, Resurrection Day then the dead start to turn in the ground,

breaking up the cold clay with their elbows.

I’ve had to bury friends,

I know what it’s like to bury your friends in the dirt,

like a dog buries a bone,

and wait till the sky                                

  becomes kinder.
There are social groups

for whom such rituals are very important,

I mean, first of all, mid-sized businesses.

Everyone has seen

the sorrow that envelopes these regional

representatives of Russian gas companies

when they descend on the boundless

cemetery fields, to bury in the ground

one more brother shot through the lungs;


everyone has heard the loud beat of their hearts

when they stand near the coffin

and wipe their stingy tears and runny noses against their

dolce & gabbana

slurping hennessy                         

               from disposable      

                                                    glasses.
“So, Kolya,” they say, “here’s to you and the hereafter.

In the great field of offshore business

we fall into the cold pools of oblivion,

like wild geese in the autumn with buckshot in our livers.”

“So,” they answer, “when we

send off our brother

on his long journey

into the radiant Valhalla of Lukoil

who will accompany him

through the dark caverns of purgatory?”


“Bitches,” they all say, “bitches

he’ll need bitches,

good bitches

expensive ones, without bad habits,

they will warm him in the winter

they will chill his blood in the spring,

on his left will lie a platinum blond,

on his right will lie a platinum blond,

and he won’t even notice he is dead.


Oh, death is a territory where         

                                             our credit won’t reach.

Death is the territory of oil,                                       

                                       let it cleanse his sins.

We’ll place his weapons at his feet, and gold,

and furs and finely ground pepper.

In his left hand we will place his newest nokia

and in his right an indulgence from Jerusalem.

But the main thing are the bitches,

two bitches, the main thing are two platinum bitches.”

“Yes, that’s the main thing,” everyone agrees.

“The main thing are the bitches,” they agree.

“The main-main thing,” adds Kolya from the casket.
We’re all sentimental at Easter time.

We stand and wait for the dead

to rise and come to us from the hereafter.

You become more interested in death when you bury friends.
On the third day as they flank

the doors of the morgue, on the morning of the third day

he conquers death through death, after all, and walks out

from the crematorium, he sees

that they have all fallen asleep exhausted

after a three-day drinking spree

sprawled out on the grass,

in vomit-covered

dolce & gabbana.

Then quietly

                               so as not to wake them up

he takes from one of them

the charger for a nokia

and returns

to hell

to his

blonds.

Fear over pride (lil boy)
Flood you cant hide (lil boy)
Face of a woman (lil boy)
Tears of a child (lil boy)

(Source: Spotify)

from WHITE SANDS (Homeboy Sandman & Paul White) coming February 25.

Homeboy Sandman plays Gramercy Theater in New York City on January 18th with I Am Many, Open Mike Eagle and Tone Tank. The event is hosted by Peter Rosenberg.
TICKETS http://concerts.livenation.com/event/00004B4FCBD4BAAF

Homeboy Sandman - Europe Tour Dates, Feb-Mar 2014

Feb 28: London, UK @ the Garage w/ Paul White (live). Info & tickets .
Mar 1: Bristol @ Start The Bus
Mar 4: Nottingham @ Bodega Social Club
Mar 6: Dublin @ Sugar Club
Mar 7: St Gallen, Switzerland @ Palace St Gallen
Mar 8: Hamburg, Germany @ Mojo Club
Mar 13: Bremen, Germany @ Lila Eule
Mar 20: Eindhoven, Netherlands @ Studium Generale. Tickets
Mar 22: Trondheim, Norway @ Leuten Fest